TOP 10 TIPS FROM THE ZOMBIE SURVIVAL GUIDE GUARANTEED TO SAVE YOUR LIFE IN A REAL ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

I chuckled when I first heard of The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection From The Living Dead, the first book written by American horror writer Max Brooks in 2003, and who wouldn’t?  I mean brain eating zombies, walking corpses, completely ridiculous right? But as the old saying goes, don’t judge a book by its title, or is it cover? Anyways I decided to read the first few pages, just to see if this hypothetical how to manual on combatting undead armies can actually be taken seriously or if it’s just some satirical spoof. Barely twenty pages in, I had already tossed the book aside, no not because it was wack, it’s just those first few pages had me so paranoid I thought I heard rotting fingernails scraping on the windows and doors outside.

After ascertaining my wild imagination was pranking me, I still locked all the doors and windows in the house just to make double sure, picked up the hellish novel strewn on the floor and returned to the disturbing, post-apocalyptic world ruled by the undead.

[WARNING: CRAZY SPOILERS AHEAD IF YOU HAVENT READ THE BOOK]

BACKGROUND & PLOT

Unlike Max Brooks’ well-known follow-up book World War Z, which was popularised by a hugely successful Hollywood adaptation in 2014 and is a collection of recorded humans versus zombies accounts from different parts of the world at different times, The Zombie Survival Guide is written in the format of a simple HOW-TO guide that even a 4^th grade child could understand.

It is based in contemporary times and begins by immediately dispelling popular myths & superstitions about zombies (I.E they are created using black magic, they are Satan’s army, animals can become zombies too, zombies can chase down prey or have superhuman strength), with real historical facts, scientific data collected via lab experiments, hard-won experience and “personal eyewitness accounts” of the author and other survivors of the Solanum viral outbreak from around the world.

It doesn’t train you to become a zombie hunter nor is it useful for large armed forces like the military or police, as they already have a vast array of weapons and manpower at their disposal, if that’s what you were expecting then the book isn’t for you.

The Zombie Survival guide is specifically written for the ordinary private civilian like you and me, who possesses little time or resources to combat the enemy but refuses to become its helpless victim. It empowers readers with the knowledge necessary for their survival in the event of a zombie outbreak. It teaches you how to keep your cool when face to face with a living dead person, or even worse a hoard of them, who want to eat your warm flesh and leave nothing but your putrid bones behind. It teaches you both offensive and defensive maneuvers, how to operate in civilian groups, which weapons to use, where to hide & where not to hide and how to use terrain to your advantage amongst many other things.

But before I start listing the tips from this guidebook, which is so realistic it’s easy to get carried away and forget zombies are completely fictional (hopefully), please allow me to explain how one becomes a member of the walking dead.

Solanum: The zombie virus 

Solanum is the virus that specifically targets human beings only, kills them, changes their physiology and reanimates the corpses with one single aim in their primitive minds, EATING HUMANS! The entire process from initial infection to reanimation happens within 23 hours. The Solanum virus is 100% communicable and fatal. It works by entering the bloodstream through the initial point of entry, which is usually via bites, but can also be contracted by rubbing an open wound against those of zombies or by being splattered by its remains after blowing it up.

After infection, the virus travels straight to the brain, specifically the frontal lobe, where it begins to rapidly replicate itself while completely extinguishing all the brain cells in the process and reducing the intelligence of the host to the level of an insect. During this horrible mutation period, all major organs like the heart and lungs cease functioning except for the brain which operates on a very primitive, dormant-like state.

Once the mutation is complete, the corpse is reanimated into something that bears little resemblance to the original human host.  One of their most terrifying strengths is that zombies have completely eliminated the use of the heart & to some degree the lungs; which only function to make the zombies eerie moans but not for breathing.  You’d be surprised how eliminating the need for oxygen gives these monsters an amazing advantage over humans like walking underwater indefinitely or immunity to lethal gasses.  While other bodily functions might still operate in a very primitive way, others operate in a modified capacity while the remainder is completely shut down.

Fortunately for humans, Solanum is not an airborne or waterborne disease. It can’t be spread by insects like mosquitoes or fleas as experiments have indicated parasitic insects can detect and will reject infected hosts 100% of the time. Infected flesh is so highly toxic that it is avoided by all living creatures from hyenas to vultures and most microscopic organisms. Provided the person has no open wounds in the mouth, ingestion of zombie meat will result in death rather than infection. Animals that have eaten zombie meat die 100% of the time and stay dead. Live infected animals always die too quickly for the virus to mutate them.

Studies have also shown that though Solanum drives zombies to be ravenous carnivores that eat any creatures with flesh on their bones, they will always choose fresh human meat 100% of the time over animal flesh if the former is available. Their hunger is never satiated; they will continue eating until they are destroyed. In fact, eyewitness accounts have reported some zombies to be so bloated from meat that they’re stomachs burst open and its contents spill out, but that still won’t kill them or even stop them from eating further.

Lastly, even if Solanum was introduced to a non-infected corpse, mutation won’t happen because there is no blood circulation that can transport the virus to the brain. Injecting the virus directly into the brain is equally useless because cells required for replication are dead and can therefore not respond to the virus.

Now that we have demystified zombies and we understand how they are made, it’s time to list the methods of how they can be beaten.

10. WEAR TIGHT CLOTHING, RUNNING SHOES & KEEP HAIR SHORT

Zombies typically grab their prey and pull it towards their mouths. So imagine how much easier it would be for them to grab your baggy clothes or long hair in a close quarter’s combat situation. Wear running shoes because you will be doing a lot of running, heavy boots like Timberlands will fatigue you quickly. If your hair is long like that chick from The Walking Dead series with the dreadlocks wrap it in some sort of head gear like a buffer. But I recommend cutting it short, I mean why risk turning into a Z just for a trendy hairstyle? Lastly, cover exposed wounds with multi layers of clothing like leather in case zombie fluids splatter on them, this could also protect you from infection if bitten. I personally recommend an extra pair of undies in case your crap yourself in fear.

9. IMMEDIATELY ISOLATE INFECTED VICTIMS & DESTROY THEM

Once you have ascertained beyond a doubt somebody in your group is infected, lead them to an isolated area and dispose of them humanely (if they're still human). One of the biggest urban myths is that zombies can sometimes show mercy to loved ones or have faint memories of their past lives but that’s complete bull shit.  Even though they might resemble your family or friend, understand that they are dead now and what’s left of them won’t hesitate to eat you alive or infect others once fully reanimated. Mourn later!

8. CLIMB UP THE STAIRCASE, NOT DOWN THE BASEMENT

The reason why the undead are so slow & clumsy is because Solanum has rendered their motor-co-ordination reflexes useless. Decomposition and Riga Mortis has also greatly atrophied their muscle strength and mass. So simple tasks we take for granted like climbing up a ladder or a flight of stairs is practically impossible for a Z. Therefore the best places to comfortably evade or hide from them is on a rooftop or anything above the ground floor of a multi-story building. From here you can easily shoot them at leisure if you have a rifle or crossbow. Remember to pull up the ladder or destroy the staircase because they do tend to climb on top of each other to reach an elevated food source if there are enough of them. The worst room you can hide in during a zombie fight is the basement, not only can they easily tumble down the stairs after you, but now you’ve cornered yourself as zombies are likely pouring in through the only escape route by now.  You might as well start seasoning yourself with salt and pepper.

7. USE YOUR BRAIN, BLOW OUT THEIRS

There is only one way and one way only to kill a zombie for sure and that’s destroying its brain. Shooting anywhere besides the head, impaling them, severing limbs and spinal cord might slow them down, but they will keep coming and you’ll probably make them alert other zombies.  Destruction or massive damage of their circulatory, digestive or respiratory system is also futile because these vital functions are not needed for a zombie organism to operate.  Not even decapitation from the neck will kill them; in fact, some people have been bitten by severed zombie heads because their brains aren’t damaged. To make sure a zombie stays dead, the brain must be obliterated using whichever available means.

6. USE FIRE OR ACID FOR DISPOSAL OF TERMINATED ZOMBIES

Who are the suckers that started the false rumour that cremating a dead ghoul releases airborne toxins

and ash that can infect humans through inhalation? Although you should be extremely cautious when disposing of a terminated Z using fire, and you should be wearing protective clothing like a hazmat suit, common sense should dictate that viruses cannot survive high temperatures above the boiling point of water, let alone open flames. Sulphuric acid is also an excellent incendiary tool if you don’t trust fire because all you do is dump the zombie in the acid tub which will disintegrate everything from flesh to bone to the virus itself. But whichever disposal method you use be sure to exercise extreme caution when handling dead zombies, acid or fire.

5. USING FIRE TO KILL ZOMBIES ISNT ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA

Simply lighting a fire under a Zs ass won’t kill it, at least immediately and for many reasons. Firstly, Zs have no fear of fire or anything for that matter and they don’t feel pain, so burning zombies won’t notice or react to the flames engulfing it in any way. Flesh also takes a long time to burn to a crisp, so in the time it takes for fire to destroy a zombie's brain, it could’ve set fire to other flammable materials in your surroundings (not good if you are enclosed) there’s also a possibility of smoke inhalation and the combination of flames and smoke could draw other zombies to your location. A burning zombie can do far more damage than it can with its bite, therefore fire should rarely be used for static defense but rather be reserved for fleeing. However, use your discretion, if there’ are many zombies trapped in a flammable structure, toast with Molotov Cocktails and throw them inside. 

[Liking this article? Then you'll probably like The Strain Trilogy: Most Epic Vampire Tale...EVER!] 

4. BLADED/BLUDGEONING WEAPONS ARE SILENT & DON’T NEED AMMO

The best weapons to use if close quarters combat is unavoidable are sharp blades with medium to long reach that can decapitate your enemies or even an improvised melee/bludgeoning type of weapon that can be used repeatedly and can crush skulls in one blow. The best bludgeoning type weapon is undoubtedly the crowbar, firstly because it won’t bend or break like a cricket/baseball bat, it is light and it can also be used for what it’s originally designed for. Though powerful, axes and sledgehammers are quite heavy and tricky to use when aiming at a moving target, plus if you miss you’ll be of balance. Single handed hatchets, long swords, machetes even Shaolin spades are the best long/mid reach edged weapons as they are light and require little practice to master. If you are really up close to a Z then pull out your knife and sink it in its temple, eye socket or the base of its skull, however, make sure the blade is long, smooth and sharp enough to reach the brain. Avoid serrated blades as they tend to get lodged in victims, not cool if you’re cornered and need to kill multiple Zs with it.

3. SELECT YOUR PRIMARY FIREARMS WISELY

Selecting your primary firearm isn’t as simple as arming yourself with the biggest gun you can carry. Though the urge to rock ‘n’ roll with an automatic rifle when surrounded by ghouls is irresistible, remember that your ammo, range & accuracy is always limited by the sort of firearm you're using. And what if your gun jams when you are surrounded in mid-battle? Have you considered that gun shots will attract even more Zs?  Ask yourself; is my goal attack, defence or evasion? How many people in my group and how many are good shots? What environment is my battleground? What class of zombie outbreak am I facing? Is the gun easy to clean and maintain?  Putting machine guns & assault rifles on auto is a waste of ammo, you could unload entire clips in zombie hordes and only kill one or two if your slugs failed to penetrate their skulls. Controlled, single shot rifles like sniper guns with sights or old school hunting rifles like the U.S Springfield or British Lee Enfield are excellent choices as they are common and can double up as bludgeoning weapons too. But if you’re dying for an automatic rifle the good ol’ AK-47 is the best choice because it rarely if ever jams and its bayonet can be used for stabbing zombie heads while its wood/steel handle can crush skulls.

2. KNOW HOW TO DEFEND YOUR RESIDENCE

In the event of a class 1 outbreak (1 to 20 zombies within a 20-mile radius), your private residence is your best hiding place. There is no need to leave your city because everyone will panic as soon as they hear the dead are walking and they’ll scramble for the highways, creating a deadlock and easy pickings for the zombies. A five-meter tall concrete wall and steel or wrought-iron gate reinforced with your car against it, patrolled by a small group of lightly armed people is more than enough. Apartment blocks are even better than houses because they have multiple stairways zombies can’t climb, it can be defended by hundreds of tenants who have a variety of useful skills (paramedics, police, army reservists etc.) even if the outbreak reaches class 2 status (20 to 100 zombies within a 100 mile radius). Whether defending a house or apartment building, be sure to stock up on essential supplies such as water and water filters, food(canned and dried), clothing, weapons, rechargeable batteries, candles, torches, flares, lighters, petrol, electricity generators, walkie-talkies, radios, fire extinguishers, general disaster manuals, first aid kit, medicines, tool box, board games and spare machine parts. The quantity should obviously be determined by how many people are in your group.

1. GATHER CORRECT SUPPLIES WHEN YOU’RE ON THE RUN

In the unfortunate event that Solanum reaches class 3 outbreak (hundreds to thousands of Zs encompassing an area of several hundred miles) or the worst possible scenario, class 4 outbreak (millions to billions of zombies swarming the planet) then it’s time to leave your house or apartment, go on the run and find a safer refuge. Remember that no place is totally safe in a zombie apocalypse, only safer. When you’re on the run, the general rules to live by are;

i) Keep going: don’t stop to hunt for lone zombies, scavenge for valuables or investigate strange noises or sounds, or pick up strangers. Any unnecessary pause on your journey could spell death.

ii) Establish a destination: Don’t set of in a random direction praying for the best. Know where you’re going and make sure the route isn’t blocked by abandoned cars, have an approximate estimation of the amount of Zs between you & your destination and make sure your destination isn’t overrun already!

iii) Avoid moving solo or in large groups: Traveling in large groups across zombie territory is as dangerous and stupid as traveling solo as both attempts greatly increases the chances of detection by the enemy, so keep your team between three to ten people who are well trained, multi-skilled and have settled any personal differences. There must be only one team leader who is mutually respected by the entire team, and everyone should take equal turns performing guard duty at night.

iv) Remain mobile and invisible: Mobility and invisibility, not firepower and noise, are your best allies when on the run. Be prepared to run at a moment’s notice, never unpack all your gear at once and never pack more than you can carry. Never take unnecessary risks that can end up in injury. Rem m ain stealthy by tying down clanky gear, switch of noisy electronic equipment like radios or digital alarm watches, whisper or use hand gestures to communicate. If possible wear military fatigues or dark clothing so you don’t stick out, travel through open areas when absolutely necessary and refrain from making fires or using flashlights or other sources of light at night.

v) Vehicles: Not only are combustion engines really loud but cars, trucks, buses, motorbikes need fuel to operate and chances are all petrol stations have probably been drained dry by now. Other than that, most roads are probably impassable due to rubble, broken down vehicles or thousands of zombies blocking them. If you’re going off-road however make sure your SUV/4x4 is actually built for dirt roads and potholes, but eventually even the toughest 4x4 breaks down and needs maintenance or new parts. So make sure you’ve covered as much distance to your destination as possible before this happens. The best vehicle is undoubtedly a bicycle, preferably a mountain bike because it can travel through any terrain, is quiet, doesn’t need petrol and can be carried if needs be.

CONCLUSION

So those are my personal favourite tips from The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection From The Living Dead. There are literally hundreds more  survival tips in the book, and even more out there on the internet, but if I mentioned any more I’d end up writing a really thick manual myself. I totally recommend this book not just for the purpose of amusement, but the knowledge and wisdom it drops are totally useful in any disaster or doomsday scenario, zombie or otherwise.

• ·         What do you think of the survival tips I selected?
• ·         Do you have any survival tips of your own that you would like to share?
• ·         Have you seen or encountered or zombie before?

I look forward to reading your response in the comments section below, please don’t forget to like or share this blog post if you found it interesting and informative.